2014 Anti-Resolutions

Written based on the Today’s Author Write Now! prompt on December 31, 2013, in which we are asked to creatively list ten things we will not do in the coming year. Of course, for obvious reasons I need to stick with a nice, lucky number like thirteen…

  1. I will no longer ignore the wise advice spoken to me in whispers by the steam rising from my coffee cup.
  2. I will not introduce myself to everyone I meet as “Zalbon, Prime Prince Extraordinaire of the Zarquan Collective of Ragabond Five”; Some people will come to know me as “The Great Ro-bini, Protector of Mauwg and Hero of Baldador.”
  3. I will not make my son do two pushups for every dollar he receives for his birthday or Christmas when five pushups per dollar would be better for him.
  4. I will not blame ObamaCare for my unfortunate wardrobe choices.
  5. I will not get a set of tattoos featuring The Taster’s Choice couple (Sharon Maughan and Anthony Stewart Head), despite my love of coffee and the assurances that the inking would be tastefully done.
  6. I will not get a tattoo of Juan Valdez, either.
  7. I will not allow Miley Cyrus to talk me into allowing her to dance with the cinderblocks from my garage again this year.
  8. I will not shock my 48 million fans by suddenly tweeting that I am retiring from coffee drinking.
  9. I will not annoy the Little Neighbor Girl by recording dramatic footage of the giant, jumping spiders that live in my basement and then copying the videos onto the various digital devices she leaves at my house all the time even after I tell her to take them home.
  10. I will not torment the cats by putting motorized bird and squirrel puppets outside each window.
  11. I will not torment my son by putting motorized pizza puppets outside each window. Well… at least not every day.
  12. I will not leak to the media the news that the massive mosquito population in our area is actually a secret government research project which is attempting to genetically alter us into a super-powered mansquito army with which they intend to fight off the alien invasion.
  13. I will not distribute treasure maps which lead to my garden just before planting time this spring, in hopes that all the neighbors will end up coming over and digging up the weeds for me as they search for buried treasures.

 

5 Comments

  1. Pat F.
    Jan 1, 2014

    #7 made me laugh out loud–thank you!

  2. Kathi
    Jan 2, 2014

    You’re a funny guy. Beware of the steam from coffee cups, they sometimes lie.

  3. Jeremy
    Jan 3, 2014

    Beware of anything in hot beverages, really :
    http://amultiverse.com/comic/2011/01/03/hot-chocolate/

  4. Jacqui Murray
    Feb 5, 2014

    #3–really? I don’t think men can order hot chocolate any more, much less the wardrobe. My son is heartbroken–he loves hot choco.

  5. Sharon Bonin-Pratt
    Apr 13, 2014

    Hi Rob,
    I would like to nominate you to participate in a Writing Process Blog Meme.
    If you accept my nomination, you will need to write an article prompted by the following four questions and post it on your blog on Monday, April 21, 2014. You’ll also nominate three writers of your choice to post their articles on their blogs on April 28, 2014. The four questions:
    What am I working on at the moment?
    How does my work differ from others of its genre?
    Why do I write what I do?
    How does my writing process work?
    I’d be honored if you would accept this nomination. Please let me know ASAP so that I can feature your blog in my post on April 14, 2014. And I apologize that this is somewhat last minute – took me a while to figure out how to do this.
    Thank you,
    Shari Pratt

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