My 2013 Anti-Resolutions

Written based on the Today’s Author Write Now! prompt on January 1, 2013, in which we are asked to creatively list ten things we will not do in the coming year. Of course, for obvious reasons I need to stick with a nice, round number like thirteen…

  1. I will not pay $1000 for a Twinkie, whether it is in its original packaging or not, even though I have always wanted to try Weird Al Yankovic’s vegetarian Twinkie-Weiner sandwich.
  2. I will not ask my doctor for a prescription for my daily Starbucks coffee just so that I can submit it to my insurance company for reimbursement.
  3. I will not take all the silly, little sweaters we have for the dog and put them up for sale on eBay… even though the neighborhood dogs, cats and squirrels make fun of him whenever he goes outside wearing one.
  4. I will not tell visitors to my home that the boxes, bags, candy wrappers, shoes and laundry baskets full of intermixed clean and dirty clothes are there so that the cats and the dog who thinks he’s a cat can have a cheap, no-fuss and varyingly-complicated obstacle course to play in.
  5. Likewise, I will not tell visitors to my home that the boxes, bags, candy wrappers, shoes and laundry baskets full of intermixed clean and dirty clothes are there so that my children can learn about what life in college will be like. Well, I probably won’t…
  6. I will not proclaim that I have a five point plan to solve every issue I face in 2013.
  7. I will not ask the police to protect the driving public by blocking off the streets in our neighborhood before I take the teenaged neighbor girl out for a driving lesson in my manual shift car; I may, however, wear a helmet, safety goggles and/or wrap the car in bubble wrap before we go, though…
  8. I will not be a contestant on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. I have not yet decided about the possibility of appearing on “Married to Jonas”, though.
  9. I will not be a Spice Girl.
  10. I will not be in the running to be the person Jenny McCarthy kisses for New Years 2014.
  11. I will not give up on my quest to ensure that everyone knows that the Mayans were not actually wrong.
  12. I will not include a chapter about my stint as the backup third baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies in my unauthorized autobiography. I will also edit out the chapter about how I was screwed out of my gig to be Fergie in The Black-Eyed Peas.
  13. I will not spend much more time making plans to introduce as many types of insects and fruits to the little neighbor girl as I possibly can.

7 Comments

  1. Matt Robb
    Jan 1, 2013

    I think #6 is my favorite of your list. :o)

  2. La Stranezza
    Jan 1, 2013

    I kind of wish I was married to Kevin Jonas. He has really glorious hair.

  3. Tony Roberts
    Jan 1, 2013

    Great list! However, you do not play fair. The rules said 10. I am dying to hack into your admin site and delete your last 3. But I will contain myself.

    Oh, and the Mayans were wrong. Trust me on this one.

    • rdiaz
      Jan 1, 2013

      Well, I suppose the rightness of the Mayans is a matter of perspective. If you look at it purely mathematically and note that December 21, 2012 was the end of the Long Count calendar’s 13’th bak’tun… they were absolutely correct.

      Also, I’d be violating more rules by not doing 13 items. This is the Thirteenth Dimension, after all.

  4. Ginny
    Jan 2, 2013

    Ah- you and your trolling of the little neighbor girl with bugs. Music to my ears.

  5. Dale Challener Roe
    Jan 2, 2013

    Ginny’s comment makes me think there might be more to the story of the neighbor girl.

    I liked the Twinkie one….now I must watch Zombieland.

    • rdiaz
      Jan 3, 2013

      There is always more to the story, Dale…

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *