Yep, that’s right – today is my birthday! And you know what that means… it means the second most famous dude to be born on the 16th of March is livin’ large and partyin’ down. I’ll leave it up to you to decide if Eric Estrada is or if I am the first most famous dude born on this splendid day after the Ides of March. I know where my money is.
But seriously, it’s not really a competition. I’ve got no beef with the California Highway Patrols or the most famous man amongst those boys. But I find it silly that everyone else on the planet has decided that The Big E — that’s what I call my man Eric — that The Big E and I spend all of our time worrying about which of us is bigger, meaner and, quite frankly, manlier. The reality is that we have a mutual respect for each other, a cornucopia of admiration for one another. All we really want is some peace and quiet so that we can enjoy our birthdays outside of the glare of the paparazzo’s flashbulbs. All we want is to kick back, enjoy an ice cold root beer or mellow yellow and watch a little Grapefruit League ball on the telly…
But people keep bringing it up. Every thirteen minutes, my celly’s blowin’ up with people talk-talk-talkin’ at me, trying to drive a wedge where there’s nothing to separate. People keep wanting to see the gloves dropped and the bikes and helmets all spread around the steaming hot asphalt as we men in shiny sunglasses settle this Birthday Battle as men do. It’s not right, I tell you. I, for one, am tired of living in this den of hatred and anger that has been thrust upon us and I will not fight any more!
Can’t we all just get along? The Big E and me and you and my dog? Please? For my birthday?