1. I will not rush to get my anti-resolutions out on time, because anti-resolutions, like a fine wine, take time.
2. I will not share posts on Facebook which inform others that Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg or others are giving away millions of dollars, Xboxes and emus. Those emus are mine!
3. I will not start rumors about a mysterious, dark horse candidate named Bud Wiser preparing to run for President in 2020, even though his campaign would surely prove intoxicating to the American people.
4. I will not make fun of politicians who talk about The Cyber and know nothing about The Cyber except that The Cyber is really important because they clearly must know something I don’t know since they have decided to turn The Cyber into a noun when the rest of us think of it as an adjective.
5. I will not make funny red hats paraphrasing or parodying political propaganda, no matter how great I might make them (again).
6. I will not try to get French fries recognized as their own, nutritionally-important food group.
7. I will not blame Apple products for all of the world’s problems when it is abundantly clear that Google is to blame for many of them.
8. I will not claim that stories about the lack of commercial success of my unauthorized autobiography are just another example fake news trying to undermine me.
9. I will not allow my cat to continue making wardrobe decisions for my son.
10. I will not rest until President Trump identifies me as overrated on Twitter.

Written based on the Today’s Author Write Now! prompt on December 30, 2016, in which we are asked to creatively list ten things we will not do in the coming year.